All I Have is Hope

Anger, confusion, sadness...yep those words definitely describe how I have been feeling since yesterday afternoon.  Matt received a call yesterday from Holt saying that unfortunately the Thailand program is currently closed~not accepting applications at this time.  Celeste said that she had received an email two days after our meeting with the news that the program was closed.  She tried to find a phone number for us so that she could let us know the current situation, but since we only have our cell phones she was unable to contact us.  Basically how the Thailand program works is that they only allow 25 waiting families at one time, then once about 10 children have been placed they will open up the program again.  In Celeste's experience, she told us that she would expect the program to open again in 6-9 months.

I know many of you are probably thinking, well just go with Ethiopia then.  To us, it's not that easy.  We felt that God lead us to this decision and now we have no idea what His plan is.  Part of me is so confused as to what He is doing with the situation and part of me is so angry with God because we felt that He lead us to this decision and then all the sudden the door shuts.  But regardless, this is either not His will or the time is not right. 

I'll be honest, yesterday God was the last one I wanted to turn to.  But this morning as I woke up, I was yearning for Him and all I could do was be honest with Him about what I was feeling.  Recently, our pastor preached about praying and really believing that God can deliver.  So, I've been praying that God will show us the road to take.  I am praying that God will give us some sure signs that He is still with us, guiding us, and that we are not alone.  We need to hear His voice, right now in this moment.  

As I was reading this morning, I was drawn to James 1:2-12. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

So, my faith is definitely being tested but we are taking God at His word and asking Him for wisdom.  Knowing that He loves us.  Also knowing that this life is NOT about me, Matt, or what we want.  It is all about God's purpose and what He wants to accomplish through us and our trials.  

       Romans 5:3-5

but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character and hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit 

Right now, I don't have any answers regarding what we are supposed to do next.  But I do know that He is still here, He has not forsaken us.  Everything is in His timing, even when we don't understand His time table.  He isn't finished with refining us in this particular situation.  And I definitely don't want to finish this without being "complete".  Even though I don't understand why, I am going to hold onto the hope that He has given me, because otherwise I have nothing else to stand on.

I am asking you now, friends/family to pray with us/for us.

1. That we would feel Him and know He is here.  That He is guiding the situation.

2. That He would show us what to do and where/when to move.  

3. That we would be open and receptive to the direction He lays out for us.

4. That Matt and I would be able to rely on each other as we continue to work through this and not fight with each other.  

I feel like I can't finish this blog without a couple more thoughts.  Matt and I are not opposed to the idea of adopting through another country.  We know that there are so many beautiful children out there, from lots of different countries that deserve to be loved and cared for.  Our dilemma comes from wanting to follow Christ and where He is leading us and that includes what country He wants us to adopt from.  I know that in the end, whatever country/city/agency He leads us to adopt from, we will end up with a beautiful child.   

I have had this saying tacked up on our refrigerator for quite some time now.  I found it on the blog of another friend who has gone through something that seemed unbearable at the time and God has worked miracles in their life.  The saying has always been an encouragement to me, so I will end with it today. 

He chose us for this, and if I'm going to walk through a valley of this magnitude, then you best believe that I will not waste this. I will not walk out unchanged, lacking more than when I entered in.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.  I know that God can and will work through them.  ~megan