Where to Begin...the Journey so Far

It's hard to know to where to begin our story.  It has been a "journey", as Matt and I like to call it.  I have put off starting a blog for so long, but I continue to have friends and family tell me that we have to share our story.  I have thought about starting a blog several times, but always back down for fear of putting my heart out there for all the world to see.  I'm supposed to be strong and just smile right??  But now God is laying it on my heart and I can't say no to Him :).  I hope that someone out there, maybe going through the same struggles I am can get some benefit from reading my blog.

I have been married to the most amazing man for 8 years now.  We were high school sweet hearts.  Once we started dating, that was it; we knew we'd be together forever.  We married young and spent the first 4-5 years of our marriage establishing our little family both emotionally and financially.  We adopted a puppy into the family six years ago-Jack who we adore and who goes almost everywhere we go.  I grew up with the same picture of a family that I assume all of us have as young girls:  grow up, meet prince charming, get married, and have lots of babies.  Well, my plan had worked out perfectly until the "have lots of babies" part. 

Matt and I tried to conceive our own child for about a year.  When things were not happening the way we expected, we eventually went to see a specialist.  After a battery of tests, we were told that the chances of us having our own children were about 1 in a million.  In all my life I never expected that to be the words that came out of the doctor's mouth.  I figured they would give us some kind of "magic" pill that you always hear about and "our plan" would soon be back on track.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  The day when I thought all my dreams were ending, and really life itself.  Soon after finding out the news, I called my mom-barely able to repeat the words we had heard.  And then again having to tell Matt parents the news and then over time our friends. 

I know this might sound crazy, but the next few months to a year were some of the toughest days I've ever faced and some of the toughest days we faced as a couple.  We felt as though we had suffered a loss in our family, but Matt was always able to see the positive and look outside my little box of a plan.  There were many days; however, when I didn't know why I should even get out of bed--if God was going to deny my need to be a mother, why did anything else matter?  Matt and our family and friends did their best to encouage me and to help me see that this was not the end of the world.  Many days I'd just smile at them, but inside I wanted to scream "what do you know?!!".  I was so angry at God during this time--not to mention being angry at all the pregnant women out there that seemed to be going everywhere I went-- and still have days at times when I ask Him, "why us, why me?". 

As time went on, Matt and I started to consider what other options we might have.  In late 2009, we decided to see a fertility specialist who might be able to do some further testing and then offer us some hope.  Again, the result of our tests were not good and so they sent us to more specialists and ran more tests.  And after all that, the options they gave us involved lots of money, injections, and hormones.  Not to mention the emotional toll of it all with no guarantees in the end for a baby.  As Matt and I were going to doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment-each one suggesting options that did not appeal to us, we were forced to really listen to our hearts. 

In the end, God laid adotion on our hearts as the only real option for us.  We both felt a sense of peace about adoption when all other options left our hearts feeling uneasy.  We both questioned why we would spend so much money, time, and emotions on bringing another child into the world when there are so many already who need and deserve a loving home.  So our decision was made--adoption it is!! 

So that is where you find us currently.  We have done lots of research on adoption--what a big, unknown world it is!  Thank God for so many friends and family members who have helped us with our research, offered knowledge about adoption and agencies, and for being amazingly supportive.  When Matt and I first decided on adoption, we were happy with our choice but really wondered what our friends and family would think.  They have been beyond amazing!  We never received one questioning comment.  I am tearing up now as I think about what amazing family and friends God has blessed us with.  We know that we would not be in this place if we didn't have you guys backing us up.  So thank you :)

As I look back over the journey Matt and I are currently on, I can see just how far God has taken us and I am overjoyed!  I can't help but smile to see how we've grown and it's all because of Him.  He is continually teaching me that He is in control, not me and that His perfect plan for my life will be laid out for me in His timing.  Patience Megan!!  As I look back, I can now see that many of the things that have happened over the last 5 years never could have happened if He would have followed my plan.  Now I am not saying that this journey suddenly became easy.  Nothing about it is easy.  I still have days when I break down and have a good cry or days when I don't want to get out of bed.  BUT I always do because He has proved to me that He is faithful time and time again; He has never left me in this situation or any other.  And on a daily basis He reminds me that He is in control and that somewhere out there, there is a child just for Matt and I.  And that has been His plan all along.  I can't imagine just how beautiful and perfect for us that little boy or girl is.  And they are so loved, even now.  

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to give you a hope and a future.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you."

megan